Balance

Wow. Working at home and staying at home with the baby is tough! Essentially, I feel like I am working two forty-hour-a-week jobs simultaneously. Over the past month, I have been working on finding a good balance between being a good mother and homemaker, and being professional and responsible in my job. It's definitely not easy.

For example - during my over-the-phone first-day-of-work orientation, I both changed a dirty diaper and nursed my baby boy, all while receiving instructions from my brand new bosses. Once I was given assignments, I learned that I get my best work done while my son is napping, or after his bed time. When he is awake, I can do small amounts of work, but it is much less efficient because I am busy being a good mom. I make sure that I play with my boy and keep him engaged, feed him and change him, hold him when he cries, and sing him silly songs to make him laugh.

At first, it was incredibly difficult to do. There would be days when I would get a lot of work done, but felt guilty that I had not paid enough attention to my son. On other days, I was great with the baby, but I didn't do as well at my job as I would have liked. On most days, I went to sleep feeling guilty that the sink was filled with dirty dishes, that laundry hadn't been done, that the house wasn't vacuumed, or that the dog didn't get a walk. I felt like a failure.

Little by little it got better. As I became comfortable with my job, I became more efficient and was able to get more work done in less time. As my son got older, it became easier to play with him and entertain him and he became less demanding. (Side note: when he started crawling, things got tricky all over again! It's really tough to type and chase a kiddo across the carpet at the same time). I definitely still feel overwhelmed at times, and certainly go to sleep some nights without doing everything I needed to do. However, I don't feel like a failure any more.

I know this isn't permanent. I am still looking for other opportunities, and I do want to get a job outside the house, using my law degree. But this works for now.